Thanksgiving

Well, I have made it through my first holiday without my dad, and to tell you the truth, I'm really proud of myself for not crying...yet. It does NOT feel the same; it doesn't feel how holidays should feel. Happy, cheerful, full of love. Now, I know the rest of my family gives me all of those things, but it wasn't complete, I didn't feel like I should. The whole time I couldn't help but to think that I'm setting one less place at the table...spending time with one less person that I so truly care for. It's not right. I can't even go into any kind of detail, because even I don't understand it..I really miss my dad. However, I am extremely thankful for the amount of time I got to spend with him this summer, I'd never give that up for the world. Giving up chasing my dream to spend time with him will always be the best decision I've ever made. I had...have such a wonderful, amazing father that I wouldn't trade for the world. I hope the fed you some amazing stuff up there daddy.

Secondly, my best friend is in the hospital (again) because her surgery didn't end how it should. So, I went to go see her on Thanksgiving, because, I am also extremely thankful for her to be a part of my life. She has been there with me through literally every hardship I have ever encountered, and believe me, I have been through a LOT of hardship and suffering to only be 19 years old. This time, it was my turn to be there for her. She's such a fighter though, I have no doubt that everything will end exactly the way they are supposed to...I mean, if you can survive open-heart surgery at a few weeks old, you can survive a surgery mishap..right?

I am so incredibly lucky to have/have had so many amazing people in my life. I could only hope that everyone could have such wonderful people as a part of theirs.

Mindless Destressing

So where's your guy?

No guy.

You kissed the last person you texted, right?

No..he's my brother.

Last thing to disappoint you?

Courtney using my brother for her benefit.

Think back to June. Do you remember who you liked?

Michael.

Do you still like that person?

It's not the same as it was then.

Do you care what people think about you?

Not really.

Is it usually easy for someone to make you smile?

Depends on the person and the day I had.

Are your friends just like you?

A good bit.

Spell your name without an A:

Biley.

Do you like hugs?

Not that one-armed bullshit.

What are you listening to?

LOTR 2

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

Yeah

Do you attend school?

Yuuup

Are you waiting for anyone to text you?

Nah.

Who saw you last cry?

I don't remember the last time I cried.

Last time you were truly upset?

Today

Who was the last boy to text you?

Brenda(n)

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

No.

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

I love my Brenda

Have you ever received a text message that made you cry?

Yes...

Are you emotionally strong?

for the most part

Are you one of those people who hate crying in front of others?

Yeah, but I will.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?

NO WAY.

Do you think you'll have the same boyfriend/girlfriend a year from now?

No boy toy right now.

When's the next time you'll see your best friend?

As soon as break's over.

Do you still talk to the same person that you were dating 4 months ago?

No..

What does your last outgoing text say?

"That actually makes me really angry."

Where do you think you will be in two hours from now?

Passed outtt

Does anyone love you?

Yes.

Can you make yourself sneeze?

Nope

Tell me about the last person you kissed?

Eric is prettty good looking.

Is something wrong?

A little bit

Where were you doing at 9 a.m. 

Calling the dentist

Miss any friends?

Just some people

Do you fall for people easily?

No

Everything happens for a reason?

If you say so. Can't find the reason for losing my dad..

Last thing you got in the mail?

Cable bill. YAY.

If you could see anyone right now, who would it be?

My daddy

How has the week been?

It literally is only Monday.

Write something that you wanna say to someone but leave out the name:

I miss you.

Who was the last person that you went out to eat with?

Sarah

Have you ever wanted to be a firefighter?

No

What are you doing right now?

Movie

Do you have anything in your pockets right now?

no pockets

In the past week have you puked?

yes, actually. I've been sick.

In the past 2 weeks, have you gotten your hair cut?

No.

Where are you right now?

couch

Who was your last call from?

My mommmmy

History

I really miss you lately, and it's messing with my head.

I shouldn't miss you....but I do.

For some reason, I keep having random dreams and people keep texting me telling me that they saw you somewhere...

I hope everything is going GREAT for you, and for your wonderful family, whom I also miss terribly. 

You have so much potential, and I hope our mishaps in our 4.5 year long relationship makes your next relationship work out in the end and not have what happened to us, happen again.

just for old times sake

I really do wish you all the best, and I also wish that I could just tell you.

08/10/50-09/01/11

It has been two and a half months since my dad died and I still cannot wrap my head around it...I honestly don't even know what to type or where to begin with how different my entire life is. I can sit in my room and drink a vanilla coke and that reminds me of him (he got me hooked on it). Such small, small things always remind me of him, or a conversation we had, or a time we went and did something. Just the other day I was having a computer problem and he was always the go-to guy for help...I literally picked up my phone and started to search "daddy" in my contacts and it slapped me in the face...he isn't here anymore. I wish I could even being to explain how empty everything feels without him around. He wasn't here for my birthday...even though he got me a birthday card. Thanksgiving is coming up, and I know it's not going to be anywhere near how it should be. 

I know the pain I feel from him being gone will never come close to the pain he endured and fought against as hard as he could, but I can't help but be a little selfish...Why couldn't the dad who abuses their children get taken and I still get to keep mine? Why can't the dad down the street who doesn't attempt to spend time with their kids leave this Earth and my dad, who made sure to be at everything Robert and I were a part of, have to get taken by such an ugly disease? It isn't fair. I know...life isn't fair, but I can't think of anything he did to deserve his fate..He went off to war at 17 years old to serve his country. He beat the 97% odds against him surviving and recovering from getting hepatitis after a blood transfer..

I don't understand, and I'll never understand. I wish I could put how I feel into words so people can know where I'm coming from, but it's a feeling no one will ever understand unless they experience it. I hate hearing my friends talk about their dads...I know that's awful to say, but it makes me miss my dad SO much. I could punch every single person I hear complain about their dad, even someone I've never met before. I wish, so badly, that I could hear my dad speak again...to see him healthy again for 2 seconds, and I never will. 

Robert William Clark I

August 10th, 1950 - September 1st, 2011.

You are the strongest man I will ever know.

And I love you more than I could ever express.

So Different

Everything changes SO fast, it's so strange to me. The other night, I sat and thought about Michael, and it absolutely blew my mind that something and someone who was SO important to me and such a huge part of my life doesn't completely feel real anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he still isn't important to my life, him being around for so long has shaped who I am and I hope nothing but the best for him, with school, love, friends and family life. 
It's weird to think that the one person who you would never even consider as more than a friend can end up touching your heart the most. I've definitely learned that the past few weeks, and I could not be more happy with my decision to graduate early from high school. I would not have met the amazing people that I now call my best friends. What would I do without Sarah and Matt? I honestly don't have even the slightest clue.




Any-who, went to mountain weekend this weekend. Such a much needed break from South Carolina and school. You never know what's going to happen when you're with the Tau's. :) Yet, I love them all.