STFU

You know what? I'm tired of seeing every talk so much shit (yes, I used a "bad word" sorry I'm not sorry) about people in my age group going out a drinking, partying, etc etc. I'm in college. It's my time to be young, good looking, and work both of those angles to get free drinks from all those boys who think I'm going to go home with them (I'm not, you just help me get drunk). I AM IN MY PRIME! This is the only time in my entire life that I'll be able to study all week, and party all weekend. Sleep? I'll do that when I'm dead. Settle down? Maybe in my 30s. It's great that you're so proud to be a teen mom, getting married, and having 2 kids before you can even drink legally. That's your deal, but I don't talk shit on you on a daily basis for having kids at a young age, so shut up all the shit talking you do on us teens/20s who are living it up while we can, and having the time of our lives. Sorry I'm trying to make the best of my college years by drinking excessively on the weekends, partying and never sleeping, and getting drunk off my ass at tailgates during SEC football season because without all that, COLLEGE FUCKING BLOWS. Who wants to spend their days working, studying until you want to rip your own hair out, and listening to old genius fucks talk about plants and worms? Sorry I don't want to add a baby and the responsibility that comes with that bundle of joy onto my over-fucking-loaded plate I have. I want to drink all that shit away on the weekend, not "snuggle up" to the most amazing thing that's happened to me. It's great you love your kids, but I don't want that until I'm 30, established, and can spoil the shit out of them via the bank rolls I get from my college degree(s). Not barely making it by and giving them the bare minimum.

So, sorry for partying, all you hating teen moms out there. College is the time to drink your life away. Babies come later (for me at least). Shut Up.

NOTE: This does not go out to all teen moms. Some of you are great, and aren't judging jerks. This goes out to you bitches who refuse to accept any lifestyle as acceptable other than the one you chose (or got forced into via unsafe sex), teen pregnancy/parenting.

Blessed.

Usually, people want the perfect family, with no divorce or loss. I, on the other hand did not lose a family or a dad (via divorce, cancer decided to be the one to take him from me), I gained another father. Mark didn't take the place of my daddy; no one could ever do that. But he did add more to my life, added more to my heart. I am one of the lucky ones that all three of my parents got along wonderfully, sat together at all my softball games, music performances, winterguard competitions. When my dad got sick, so sick to where he couldn't do anything for himself anymore, my stepdad stepped right in to help him in every way he could. 

Now, things between he and I have not always been peachy, we've had our moments where I questioned my mom's decision to marry him. He used to be a very heavy drinker, lied about a lot of things. It got to the point where my mom was ready to leave him if he didn't finally get his life back together. In the end, he chose his family over the addiction he had to alcohol. He went to AA, and is now working on 4 years clean (April 16th). He works harder than any man I know, and provides for us in ways I could never thank him enough for. This weekend, he took my mom and I out to dinner twice, at two places that are rather pricey just for a night out at dinner. He took me car shopping, and is helping me pay for a car that I am in love with, with all the bells and whistles. We got home tonight, and there were the most beautiful orange/pink roses sitting on the table waiting for my mom. Not only were there roses on the table, there was also another bouquet of flowers in her bathroom waiting for her. He bought her a brand new Suburban for Christmas with everything she wanted in it, and she has yet to pay for gas. He fills up her tank for her. I know those are little things, but they are the things that I am so grateful for, he goes the extra extra mile for all of us and doesn't expect anything in return. He strives for our happiness, and works his ass off every single day to provide us with more than we deserve.

When my dad died, I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. He held me while I cried, helped me as much as he could, and never tried to replace my dad. Because of that, I have the utmost respect for him, because if I didn't have him in my life, the death of my father would have been 10 times worse for me than it is right now. I would have no dad, no father figure in my life without Mark. He was my Markie when I was a little girl, and he will always be my Markie, for the rest of my life. I honestly can't even express how thankful God has put him in my life. Because without him, I don't know where I'd be.

lost

I feel like I've given up on EVERYTHING I have ever loved doing when I moved to college. I had all these plans to continue spinning, no matter what, and I haven't done that. I haven't spun since high school...TWO YEARS AGO. I had the perfect opportunity to march drum corps this past summer, but I stayed because of my dad. He told me time and time again he wanted me to go, but I just couldn't. I couldn't leave not knowing when I would see him again, or if I would see him again at all. But that gives me no excuse to give up on my dream, on something that was my whole world and heart, it was what I breathed. Granted, I was not the best in the world, but I had...have..natural talent. It was like a second nature. I miss it so much, it seriously is depressing sometimes seeing my flag in my closet knowing I will probably never get to spin again. To move and put all my emotion into it and have the audience feel it too. It was something that could drag me out of the deepest hole, no matter how bad I felt.
All I ever do now is study, sleep, and party. That never used to be me....I used to be going 24/7 with school, work, guard, dancing....I don't know what happened. I feel like I've lost myself, and I haven't had the opportunity to re-find. My world flipped when I nearly lost my mom, and completely flipped to the darkest part when I lost my dad, and I don't feel like I've come up from that...at all. I'm not sure I ever will, but I should at least feel a little bit better as time goes on. Not saying that the hurt will ever subside, that I will ever not miss my dad and wish every second of the day that I could just talk to him one last time, but, I should be able to be happy with myself. 




I just don't understand anything right now. . .