lost

I feel like I've given up on EVERYTHING I have ever loved doing when I moved to college. I had all these plans to continue spinning, no matter what, and I haven't done that. I haven't spun since high school...TWO YEARS AGO. I had the perfect opportunity to march drum corps this past summer, but I stayed because of my dad. He told me time and time again he wanted me to go, but I just couldn't. I couldn't leave not knowing when I would see him again, or if I would see him again at all. But that gives me no excuse to give up on my dream, on something that was my whole world and heart, it was what I breathed. Granted, I was not the best in the world, but I had...have..natural talent. It was like a second nature. I miss it so much, it seriously is depressing sometimes seeing my flag in my closet knowing I will probably never get to spin again. To move and put all my emotion into it and have the audience feel it too. It was something that could drag me out of the deepest hole, no matter how bad I felt.
All I ever do now is study, sleep, and party. That never used to be me....I used to be going 24/7 with school, work, guard, dancing....I don't know what happened. I feel like I've lost myself, and I haven't had the opportunity to re-find. My world flipped when I nearly lost my mom, and completely flipped to the darkest part when I lost my dad, and I don't feel like I've come up from that...at all. I'm not sure I ever will, but I should at least feel a little bit better as time goes on. Not saying that the hurt will ever subside, that I will ever not miss my dad and wish every second of the day that I could just talk to him one last time, but, I should be able to be happy with myself. 




I just don't understand anything right now. . .