STFU

You know what? I'm tired of seeing every talk so much shit (yes, I used a "bad word" sorry I'm not sorry) about people in my age group going out a drinking, partying, etc etc. I'm in college. It's my time to be young, good looking, and work both of those angles to get free drinks from all those boys who think I'm going to go home with them (I'm not, you just help me get drunk). I AM IN MY PRIME! This is the only time in my entire life that I'll be able to study all week, and party all weekend. Sleep? I'll do that when I'm dead. Settle down? Maybe in my 30s. It's great that you're so proud to be a teen mom, getting married, and having 2 kids before you can even drink legally. That's your deal, but I don't talk shit on you on a daily basis for having kids at a young age, so shut up all the shit talking you do on us teens/20s who are living it up while we can, and having the time of our lives. Sorry I'm trying to make the best of my college years by drinking excessively on the weekends, partying and never sleeping, and getting drunk off my ass at tailgates during SEC football season because without all that, COLLEGE FUCKING BLOWS. Who wants to spend their days working, studying until you want to rip your own hair out, and listening to old genius fucks talk about plants and worms? Sorry I don't want to add a baby and the responsibility that comes with that bundle of joy onto my over-fucking-loaded plate I have. I want to drink all that shit away on the weekend, not "snuggle up" to the most amazing thing that's happened to me. It's great you love your kids, but I don't want that until I'm 30, established, and can spoil the shit out of them via the bank rolls I get from my college degree(s). Not barely making it by and giving them the bare minimum.

So, sorry for partying, all you hating teen moms out there. College is the time to drink your life away. Babies come later (for me at least). Shut Up.

NOTE: This does not go out to all teen moms. Some of you are great, and aren't judging jerks. This goes out to you bitches who refuse to accept any lifestyle as acceptable other than the one you chose (or got forced into via unsafe sex), teen pregnancy/parenting.

Blessed.

Usually, people want the perfect family, with no divorce or loss. I, on the other hand did not lose a family or a dad (via divorce, cancer decided to be the one to take him from me), I gained another father. Mark didn't take the place of my daddy; no one could ever do that. But he did add more to my life, added more to my heart. I am one of the lucky ones that all three of my parents got along wonderfully, sat together at all my softball games, music performances, winterguard competitions. When my dad got sick, so sick to where he couldn't do anything for himself anymore, my stepdad stepped right in to help him in every way he could. 

Now, things between he and I have not always been peachy, we've had our moments where I questioned my mom's decision to marry him. He used to be a very heavy drinker, lied about a lot of things. It got to the point where my mom was ready to leave him if he didn't finally get his life back together. In the end, he chose his family over the addiction he had to alcohol. He went to AA, and is now working on 4 years clean (April 16th). He works harder than any man I know, and provides for us in ways I could never thank him enough for. This weekend, he took my mom and I out to dinner twice, at two places that are rather pricey just for a night out at dinner. He took me car shopping, and is helping me pay for a car that I am in love with, with all the bells and whistles. We got home tonight, and there were the most beautiful orange/pink roses sitting on the table waiting for my mom. Not only were there roses on the table, there was also another bouquet of flowers in her bathroom waiting for her. He bought her a brand new Suburban for Christmas with everything she wanted in it, and she has yet to pay for gas. He fills up her tank for her. I know those are little things, but they are the things that I am so grateful for, he goes the extra extra mile for all of us and doesn't expect anything in return. He strives for our happiness, and works his ass off every single day to provide us with more than we deserve.

When my dad died, I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. He held me while I cried, helped me as much as he could, and never tried to replace my dad. Because of that, I have the utmost respect for him, because if I didn't have him in my life, the death of my father would have been 10 times worse for me than it is right now. I would have no dad, no father figure in my life without Mark. He was my Markie when I was a little girl, and he will always be my Markie, for the rest of my life. I honestly can't even express how thankful God has put him in my life. Because without him, I don't know where I'd be.

lost

I feel like I've given up on EVERYTHING I have ever loved doing when I moved to college. I had all these plans to continue spinning, no matter what, and I haven't done that. I haven't spun since high school...TWO YEARS AGO. I had the perfect opportunity to march drum corps this past summer, but I stayed because of my dad. He told me time and time again he wanted me to go, but I just couldn't. I couldn't leave not knowing when I would see him again, or if I would see him again at all. But that gives me no excuse to give up on my dream, on something that was my whole world and heart, it was what I breathed. Granted, I was not the best in the world, but I had...have..natural talent. It was like a second nature. I miss it so much, it seriously is depressing sometimes seeing my flag in my closet knowing I will probably never get to spin again. To move and put all my emotion into it and have the audience feel it too. It was something that could drag me out of the deepest hole, no matter how bad I felt.
All I ever do now is study, sleep, and party. That never used to be me....I used to be going 24/7 with school, work, guard, dancing....I don't know what happened. I feel like I've lost myself, and I haven't had the opportunity to re-find. My world flipped when I nearly lost my mom, and completely flipped to the darkest part when I lost my dad, and I don't feel like I've come up from that...at all. I'm not sure I ever will, but I should at least feel a little bit better as time goes on. Not saying that the hurt will ever subside, that I will ever not miss my dad and wish every second of the day that I could just talk to him one last time, but, I should be able to be happy with myself. 




I just don't understand anything right now. . .

Thanksgiving

Well, I have made it through my first holiday without my dad, and to tell you the truth, I'm really proud of myself for not crying...yet. It does NOT feel the same; it doesn't feel how holidays should feel. Happy, cheerful, full of love. Now, I know the rest of my family gives me all of those things, but it wasn't complete, I didn't feel like I should. The whole time I couldn't help but to think that I'm setting one less place at the table...spending time with one less person that I so truly care for. It's not right. I can't even go into any kind of detail, because even I don't understand it..I really miss my dad. However, I am extremely thankful for the amount of time I got to spend with him this summer, I'd never give that up for the world. Giving up chasing my dream to spend time with him will always be the best decision I've ever made. I had...have such a wonderful, amazing father that I wouldn't trade for the world. I hope the fed you some amazing stuff up there daddy.

Secondly, my best friend is in the hospital (again) because her surgery didn't end how it should. So, I went to go see her on Thanksgiving, because, I am also extremely thankful for her to be a part of my life. She has been there with me through literally every hardship I have ever encountered, and believe me, I have been through a LOT of hardship and suffering to only be 19 years old. This time, it was my turn to be there for her. She's such a fighter though, I have no doubt that everything will end exactly the way they are supposed to...I mean, if you can survive open-heart surgery at a few weeks old, you can survive a surgery mishap..right?

I am so incredibly lucky to have/have had so many amazing people in my life. I could only hope that everyone could have such wonderful people as a part of theirs.

Mindless Destressing

So where's your guy?

No guy.

You kissed the last person you texted, right?

No..he's my brother.

Last thing to disappoint you?

Courtney using my brother for her benefit.

Think back to June. Do you remember who you liked?

Michael.

Do you still like that person?

It's not the same as it was then.

Do you care what people think about you?

Not really.

Is it usually easy for someone to make you smile?

Depends on the person and the day I had.

Are your friends just like you?

A good bit.

Spell your name without an A:

Biley.

Do you like hugs?

Not that one-armed bullshit.

What are you listening to?

LOTR 2

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

Yeah

Do you attend school?

Yuuup

Are you waiting for anyone to text you?

Nah.

Who saw you last cry?

I don't remember the last time I cried.

Last time you were truly upset?

Today

Who was the last boy to text you?

Brenda(n)

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

No.

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

I love my Brenda

Have you ever received a text message that made you cry?

Yes...

Are you emotionally strong?

for the most part

Are you one of those people who hate crying in front of others?

Yeah, but I will.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?

NO WAY.

Do you think you'll have the same boyfriend/girlfriend a year from now?

No boy toy right now.

When's the next time you'll see your best friend?

As soon as break's over.

Do you still talk to the same person that you were dating 4 months ago?

No..

What does your last outgoing text say?

"That actually makes me really angry."

Where do you think you will be in two hours from now?

Passed outtt

Does anyone love you?

Yes.

Can you make yourself sneeze?

Nope

Tell me about the last person you kissed?

Eric is prettty good looking.

Is something wrong?

A little bit

Where were you doing at 9 a.m. 

Calling the dentist

Miss any friends?

Just some people

Do you fall for people easily?

No

Everything happens for a reason?

If you say so. Can't find the reason for losing my dad..

Last thing you got in the mail?

Cable bill. YAY.

If you could see anyone right now, who would it be?

My daddy

How has the week been?

It literally is only Monday.

Write something that you wanna say to someone but leave out the name:

I miss you.

Who was the last person that you went out to eat with?

Sarah

Have you ever wanted to be a firefighter?

No

What are you doing right now?

Movie

Do you have anything in your pockets right now?

no pockets

In the past week have you puked?

yes, actually. I've been sick.

In the past 2 weeks, have you gotten your hair cut?

No.

Where are you right now?

couch

Who was your last call from?

My mommmmy

History

I really miss you lately, and it's messing with my head.

I shouldn't miss you....but I do.

For some reason, I keep having random dreams and people keep texting me telling me that they saw you somewhere...

I hope everything is going GREAT for you, and for your wonderful family, whom I also miss terribly. 

You have so much potential, and I hope our mishaps in our 4.5 year long relationship makes your next relationship work out in the end and not have what happened to us, happen again.

just for old times sake

I really do wish you all the best, and I also wish that I could just tell you.

08/10/50-09/01/11

It has been two and a half months since my dad died and I still cannot wrap my head around it...I honestly don't even know what to type or where to begin with how different my entire life is. I can sit in my room and drink a vanilla coke and that reminds me of him (he got me hooked on it). Such small, small things always remind me of him, or a conversation we had, or a time we went and did something. Just the other day I was having a computer problem and he was always the go-to guy for help...I literally picked up my phone and started to search "daddy" in my contacts and it slapped me in the face...he isn't here anymore. I wish I could even being to explain how empty everything feels without him around. He wasn't here for my birthday...even though he got me a birthday card. Thanksgiving is coming up, and I know it's not going to be anywhere near how it should be. 

I know the pain I feel from him being gone will never come close to the pain he endured and fought against as hard as he could, but I can't help but be a little selfish...Why couldn't the dad who abuses their children get taken and I still get to keep mine? Why can't the dad down the street who doesn't attempt to spend time with their kids leave this Earth and my dad, who made sure to be at everything Robert and I were a part of, have to get taken by such an ugly disease? It isn't fair. I know...life isn't fair, but I can't think of anything he did to deserve his fate..He went off to war at 17 years old to serve his country. He beat the 97% odds against him surviving and recovering from getting hepatitis after a blood transfer..

I don't understand, and I'll never understand. I wish I could put how I feel into words so people can know where I'm coming from, but it's a feeling no one will ever understand unless they experience it. I hate hearing my friends talk about their dads...I know that's awful to say, but it makes me miss my dad SO much. I could punch every single person I hear complain about their dad, even someone I've never met before. I wish, so badly, that I could hear my dad speak again...to see him healthy again for 2 seconds, and I never will. 

Robert William Clark I

August 10th, 1950 - September 1st, 2011.

You are the strongest man I will ever know.

And I love you more than I could ever express.

So Different

Everything changes SO fast, it's so strange to me. The other night, I sat and thought about Michael, and it absolutely blew my mind that something and someone who was SO important to me and such a huge part of my life doesn't completely feel real anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he still isn't important to my life, him being around for so long has shaped who I am and I hope nothing but the best for him, with school, love, friends and family life. 
It's weird to think that the one person who you would never even consider as more than a friend can end up touching your heart the most. I've definitely learned that the past few weeks, and I could not be more happy with my decision to graduate early from high school. I would not have met the amazing people that I now call my best friends. What would I do without Sarah and Matt? I honestly don't have even the slightest clue.




Any-who, went to mountain weekend this weekend. Such a much needed break from South Carolina and school. You never know what's going to happen when you're with the Tau's. :) Yet, I love them all.

So Much

So much is up in the air right now. I'm not completely sure what I should or should not do about a lot of different situations and it's stressing me out more than it should. I just want to be care-free about everything other than school right now...but that's just not happening. I obviously need counseling again...story of my life.






DESTRESS:

1. Full Name: Bailey H. Clark

2. Nickname: Boo, Bails, Bai

3. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

4: Male or female: Female

5. Elementary school: Blaney Elementary

6. High School: Lugoff-Elgin High

7. College: USC

8. Hair color: Brownish

9. Tall or short: Short

11. Sweats or jeans: I love them both

12. Phone or camera: Phone

13. Health freak: Nope

14. Orange or apple: Apple

15. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend: No

16. eat or drink: Eat

17. eye color: Brown/Yellow

18. Pepsi or coke: Coke

HAVE YOU EVER?

19. Been in an airplane: Yep

20. Been in a relationship: Yeah

21. Been in a car accident: Yes

22. Been in a fist fight: No

FIRST AND LAST:

23. First piercing: Ears

25. First award: Straight A's?

27. First word: No idea.

29. Last person you talked to: Alex

30. Last person you texted: Jake

31. Last person you watched a movie with: Sarah?

32. last food you ate: Flavor blasted goldfish!

33. Last movie you watched: Salt

34. Last song you listened to: "No Stopping Us"

35. Last thing you bought: Gas

36. Last person you hugged: Dean

FAVORITE:

37. Food: MEXICAN

38. Drink: lately it's been Capri-Sun

39. Bottoms: SWEAT PANTS HOLLLLA'

40. tops:  I don't know

41. Animal: ELEPHANT

42. Colors: Purple

43. Movies:  Pride & Prejudice

44: Favorite subject: None.

HAVE YOU EVER:

45. [y] Gotten Baptized

46. [y] Celebrated Halloween

47. [y] Had your heart broken

48. [y] Went over minutes/texts on your phone

49. [n] had someone question your sexual orientation

51. [n] Gotten Pregnant

52. [n] Had an abortion

53. [y] did something you regret

54. [y] broke a promise

55. [y] hid a secret

56. [y] pretended to be happy

57. [y] met someone who changed your life

58. [y] Pretended to be sick

59. [n] Left the country

60. [y] Tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

61. [y] cried over the silliest thing

62. [n] ran a mile

63. [y] went to the beach with your friend

64. [y] got into an argument with your friend

65. [y] Dated someone

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: nothing

68. drinking: nada

69. listening to: pandora

70. Sitting/laying: laying

71. plans for today: sleep

72. waiting for: tomorrow

YOUR FUTURE:

73. want kids: maybe

74. want to get married: some point

75. career: no idea

WHICH ONE IN A SIGNIFICANT OTHER:

76. Lips or eyes: both, mmmm

77. Shorter or taller: taller

78. romantic or spontaneous: both

81. hook-up or relationship: well..

82. looks or personality: let's be honest, everyone sees the looks first.

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: no

84. snuck out of the house: yes

85. held a gun/knife for protection: no

86. killed somebody: no

87. broken someone's heart: yep

89. Cried when someone/something died: yeah..

DO BELIEVE IN:

90. yourself: almost 100% 

91. miracles: i don't really know

92. love at first sight: no

93. Heaven: I'd like to think my family members are in a good place

94. dreams coming true: only if you work your ass off.

96. Kiss on the first date: maybe

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there anyone you want to be with right now: maybe

98. Do you know who your real friends are: yeah

99. Do you believe in a higher power: i believe in myself

destress.

1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Sometimes

2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress?

PAAAARTY DRESS. duh

3. What would you do if you received a long love letter?

I've always kept them.

4. Group dates or single dates?

I don't care

5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends?

Sure.

6. Are diamonds a girls best friend?

Not mine.

7. Is your hair up or down today?

Down.

8. Do you straighten your hair?

Yeeeeah

9. Favorite mascara?

DEFINE A LASH, maybellene.

10. Do you get your nails done?

Not very often

11. Small or large purses?

lrrrrg. but I don't really carry a purse anymore.

12. In your purse, what are your must haves?

chapstick chapstickchapstick

13. Jeans or sweats?

both.

14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that are uncomfortable?

sometimes

15. Do you text message a lot?

yeeah, only sarah and dean though.

16. What would you do if you got pregnant?

I won't. so I don't care to think about it.

17. Whats your favorite color?

purple.

18. Heels or flats?

Heels ;)

19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?

PS I Love You. bawled like a baby.

20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on?

I do on the reg.

21. Walmart or Target?

Target

22. Do you wear collared shirts?

Sometimes, I did to work.

23. Are you over the last person you kissed?

Uh....about that..

24. How long ago was your last relationship?

End of July.

25. Should a guy ever hit a girl?

No.

26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?

like 35 minutes.

27. Do you like to wear band-aids?

If I'm bleeding.

28. Do you like skater boys?

I don't like branding.

29. Do you often wish there was something you could change?

YERP.

30. Gold or silver?

silver.

31. Do you like to receive flowers?

I only have like 3 times.

32. If you're not the only child, would you like to be?

No.

33.Favorite sport?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

34. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?

depends on the guy.

35. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy?

noooooope.

36. Would you date a guy shorter than you?

no.

37. Do you like to hold hands?

I don't care.

38. What is the youngest you would date?

Older, thanks.

39. What is the oldest you would date?

500.

40. What do you notice when you first meet a guy?

helllllo great personality.

41. Is it hot when guys sweat?

technically, they're not just sweating for no reason.

42. What is the best feature in a guy?

i'm a sucker for a sweetheart.

43 Do you miss anyone right now?

yeah.

44. Would you kill for chocolate?

I don't like it.

45. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?

Nope. Don't care that much.

46. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping?

If I get a lot of what I want, it's a blast.

missed

"To tell you the truth, I miss everything; everything.." -Train


I'm in one of those moods where I'm just missing my dad. It isn't fair the way he was taken from me, or how quickly it all happened. It'll be one month in less than 8 hours and I still haven't managed to completely wrap my mind around it all. Is this really my real life? Will I not have a father for the rest of my entire life? No dad to walk me down the aisle when I get married, or be there when I graduate college and start my life. It's not fair. It doesn't feel real. I don't think it ever will.






-----------
despite that inevitable empty feeling, I am happy with my life and myself. I am finally letting myself be happy and enjoy the little things. Finally living that "college life" I didn't allow myself to live last year. I have never met so many amazing people and I am so happy I finally have. I'm allowing myself to just live, day to day; everything is so different.

"grabbed a beer and my old guitar.."

Who is the cutest person you have talked to today?

I haven't really talked to anyone today except Sarah and my fam.

Your last ex shows up at your house and asks for you back, you say... ?

No...

Is the person you last texted single?

Yep.

How often do you straighten your hair?

I fry the shit out of it.

Would you ever go on a game show if you were offered?

I doubt it.

What does your phone do when it receives a new text?

Vibrates?

When and why did your parents get their angriest at you?

I couldn't tell you.

Why did you even kiss the last person you kissed?

Because I wanted to. ha

Was last night terrible?

Last night was fucking EPIC.

Has anyone ever done mean things to you while you were sleeping?

Nah.

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?

For like an hour.

Do you scare little kids?

Nah.

What color is your best friend's hair?

Normal color.

What color is YOUR hair?

Hell if I know what this 'color' is.

Are you grumpy or happy?

Tired.

How many people do you like?

I like everybody I talk to.

Do you get jealous easily?

Depending on what happened.

Do you act different around someone you like?

Nope.

Do you find it hard to tell someone you like them?

Maybe.

Are you happy?

Very.

Do you like meeting new people?

LOVE it.

Are you afraid of falling in love?

I'd rather not right now.

Do you consider yourself lucky?

Sometimes.

Are you wasting time on the person you like?

Can't say I "like" anyone in particular right now.

When was the last time you had butterflies in your stomach?

No idea.

Does the person you like, like you back?

....

You find out your ex is having a kid with someone you don't like you say.

Go fucking figure.

Who was the last person that you said "i love you" to?

Mom.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Michael.

Do you still like that person?

...

Would you ever kiss anyone over 16?

I wouldn't kiss anyone under 16.

Do you worry your last ex will move on and be happier with another person?

I hope he is happier with someone else.

Are there framed pictures from your parents wedding in your house?

No.

Is a best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend or ex pissing you off at the moment?

Friend.

Do you think girls are annoying?

Sometimes.

Do you believe that there's good in everybody?

Not at all.

Have you ever loved anyone named Ben?

No...

Are you excited for winter?

Not. At. All.

What's the most important thing in life, to you?

Being happy.

What kind of change would be good for you right now?

A lot.

Do you have a hard time accepting the truth?

Not anymore..

If you could go back to any time period of your life, what would it be?

I'd like to spend a summer with my dad again, back when I was little.

Do you think girls with tramp stamps are sending a sign that they're easy?

No, but they're stupid.

Do you believe you control your own destiny?

To a degree.

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems?

Hahahhaha, that'd be so interesting..

Have you ever caught a fish?

Yep.

What was the last beverage you had?

H2O.

Are you someone who worries too often?

Sorta.

Did you wake up before 8am this morning?

Right at 8...

Do you wear eyeliner?

<3.

Do you get mad easily?

Yeah.

Have you ever felt like you were not good enough?

Who hasn't.

Where were you on your fifteenth birthday?

Turning 15 somewhere.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?

Yeah.

Truth or dare always turns sexual, doesn't it?

I haven't played it since I was like 12.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?

Yesterday. 

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?

Slow and steady wins the race.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

Somewhat.

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?

Obv.

Do you find it difficult to sleep?

Depends on my day.

What are you wearing?

Sweat pants & a long sleeve tee

Is there anyone that you care more about than yourself?

Yep.

Would you pay someone to kill the last person who hurt you most?

Nah.

What is your favorite color?

Purple.

What color are your eyes?

Brwwwwn..

Do you think relationships are hard?

They can be.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?

It depends on what feelings they are.

Is the last person you kissed mad at you?

Nope.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Maybe.

Has anyone told you they don't wanna ever lose you?

Yep, sure did lose me too.

Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating?

Ha, funny story...

Do you truly hate anyone?

No.

Did you like anyone last summer?

Michael.

Will tomorrow be good?

I'll be busy with school

Who can make you feel better in a difficult situation?

Mom,

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?

HA 1.5 hours.

Is there something you want to say to someone but can't/wont?

Yep.

Is there anyone you couldn't go a day without talking to?

No.

When was the last time someone said you were cute?

Last night.

It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings, who is it?

BEZER'S

Do you believe what goes around comes around?

Somewhat.

Are you mad at someone right now?

Yep.

Is there someone you want to fight?

Sorta.

Is there someone that you can trust with all your secrets?

Nope.

Is there a guy that knows everything about you?

Not anymore.

Are you in a good mood?

I'm exhausted.

Anything you're giving up on?

Not yet.

Can you go in public looking like you do?

Yeaaah.

Where were you at 2:00am this morning?

Having a fucking blast.

How is your heart lately?

Beating and keeping me alive.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

Brotherrr.

Have you ever been nice to someone who treated you like crap?

Story of my life.

Do you miss anyone?

I miss my dad.

Is your hair straight or curly?

Poofy hot mess.

Is it hard for you to be happy for someone else?

No.

Have you ever liked anyone older then you?

Yeeeerp.

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?

I want my dad's hand writing on my wrist,

If your boyfriend or girlfriend smoked pot, would you care?

HA. Fuck them.