STFU

You know what? I'm tired of seeing every talk so much shit (yes, I used a "bad word" sorry I'm not sorry) about people in my age group going out a drinking, partying, etc etc. I'm in college. It's my time to be young, good looking, and work both of those angles to get free drinks from all those boys who think I'm going to go home with them (I'm not, you just help me get drunk). I AM IN MY PRIME! This is the only time in my entire life that I'll be able to study all week, and party all weekend. Sleep? I'll do that when I'm dead. Settle down? Maybe in my 30s. It's great that you're so proud to be a teen mom, getting married, and having 2 kids before you can even drink legally. That's your deal, but I don't talk shit on you on a daily basis for having kids at a young age, so shut up all the shit talking you do on us teens/20s who are living it up while we can, and having the time of our lives. Sorry I'm trying to make the best of my college years by drinking excessively on the weekends, partying and never sleeping, and getting drunk off my ass at tailgates during SEC football season because without all that, COLLEGE FUCKING BLOWS. Who wants to spend their days working, studying until you want to rip your own hair out, and listening to old genius fucks talk about plants and worms? Sorry I don't want to add a baby and the responsibility that comes with that bundle of joy onto my over-fucking-loaded plate I have. I want to drink all that shit away on the weekend, not "snuggle up" to the most amazing thing that's happened to me. It's great you love your kids, but I don't want that until I'm 30, established, and can spoil the shit out of them via the bank rolls I get from my college degree(s). Not barely making it by and giving them the bare minimum.

So, sorry for partying, all you hating teen moms out there. College is the time to drink your life away. Babies come later (for me at least). Shut Up.

NOTE: This does not go out to all teen moms. Some of you are great, and aren't judging jerks. This goes out to you bitches who refuse to accept any lifestyle as acceptable other than the one you chose (or got forced into via unsafe sex), teen pregnancy/parenting.

Blessed.

Usually, people want the perfect family, with no divorce or loss. I, on the other hand did not lose a family or a dad (via divorce, cancer decided to be the one to take him from me), I gained another father. Mark didn't take the place of my daddy; no one could ever do that. But he did add more to my life, added more to my heart. I am one of the lucky ones that all three of my parents got along wonderfully, sat together at all my softball games, music performances, winterguard competitions. When my dad got sick, so sick to where he couldn't do anything for himself anymore, my stepdad stepped right in to help him in every way he could. 

Now, things between he and I have not always been peachy, we've had our moments where I questioned my mom's decision to marry him. He used to be a very heavy drinker, lied about a lot of things. It got to the point where my mom was ready to leave him if he didn't finally get his life back together. In the end, he chose his family over the addiction he had to alcohol. He went to AA, and is now working on 4 years clean (April 16th). He works harder than any man I know, and provides for us in ways I could never thank him enough for. This weekend, he took my mom and I out to dinner twice, at two places that are rather pricey just for a night out at dinner. He took me car shopping, and is helping me pay for a car that I am in love with, with all the bells and whistles. We got home tonight, and there were the most beautiful orange/pink roses sitting on the table waiting for my mom. Not only were there roses on the table, there was also another bouquet of flowers in her bathroom waiting for her. He bought her a brand new Suburban for Christmas with everything she wanted in it, and she has yet to pay for gas. He fills up her tank for her. I know those are little things, but they are the things that I am so grateful for, he goes the extra extra mile for all of us and doesn't expect anything in return. He strives for our happiness, and works his ass off every single day to provide us with more than we deserve.

When my dad died, I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. He held me while I cried, helped me as much as he could, and never tried to replace my dad. Because of that, I have the utmost respect for him, because if I didn't have him in my life, the death of my father would have been 10 times worse for me than it is right now. I would have no dad, no father figure in my life without Mark. He was my Markie when I was a little girl, and he will always be my Markie, for the rest of my life. I honestly can't even express how thankful God has put him in my life. Because without him, I don't know where I'd be.

lost

I feel like I've given up on EVERYTHING I have ever loved doing when I moved to college. I had all these plans to continue spinning, no matter what, and I haven't done that. I haven't spun since high school...TWO YEARS AGO. I had the perfect opportunity to march drum corps this past summer, but I stayed because of my dad. He told me time and time again he wanted me to go, but I just couldn't. I couldn't leave not knowing when I would see him again, or if I would see him again at all. But that gives me no excuse to give up on my dream, on something that was my whole world and heart, it was what I breathed. Granted, I was not the best in the world, but I had...have..natural talent. It was like a second nature. I miss it so much, it seriously is depressing sometimes seeing my flag in my closet knowing I will probably never get to spin again. To move and put all my emotion into it and have the audience feel it too. It was something that could drag me out of the deepest hole, no matter how bad I felt.
All I ever do now is study, sleep, and party. That never used to be me....I used to be going 24/7 with school, work, guard, dancing....I don't know what happened. I feel like I've lost myself, and I haven't had the opportunity to re-find. My world flipped when I nearly lost my mom, and completely flipped to the darkest part when I lost my dad, and I don't feel like I've come up from that...at all. I'm not sure I ever will, but I should at least feel a little bit better as time goes on. Not saying that the hurt will ever subside, that I will ever not miss my dad and wish every second of the day that I could just talk to him one last time, but, I should be able to be happy with myself. 




I just don't understand anything right now. . .

Thanksgiving

Well, I have made it through my first holiday without my dad, and to tell you the truth, I'm really proud of myself for not crying...yet. It does NOT feel the same; it doesn't feel how holidays should feel. Happy, cheerful, full of love. Now, I know the rest of my family gives me all of those things, but it wasn't complete, I didn't feel like I should. The whole time I couldn't help but to think that I'm setting one less place at the table...spending time with one less person that I so truly care for. It's not right. I can't even go into any kind of detail, because even I don't understand it..I really miss my dad. However, I am extremely thankful for the amount of time I got to spend with him this summer, I'd never give that up for the world. Giving up chasing my dream to spend time with him will always be the best decision I've ever made. I had...have such a wonderful, amazing father that I wouldn't trade for the world. I hope the fed you some amazing stuff up there daddy.

Secondly, my best friend is in the hospital (again) because her surgery didn't end how it should. So, I went to go see her on Thanksgiving, because, I am also extremely thankful for her to be a part of my life. She has been there with me through literally every hardship I have ever encountered, and believe me, I have been through a LOT of hardship and suffering to only be 19 years old. This time, it was my turn to be there for her. She's such a fighter though, I have no doubt that everything will end exactly the way they are supposed to...I mean, if you can survive open-heart surgery at a few weeks old, you can survive a surgery mishap..right?

I am so incredibly lucky to have/have had so many amazing people in my life. I could only hope that everyone could have such wonderful people as a part of theirs.

Mindless Destressing

So where's your guy?

No guy.

You kissed the last person you texted, right?

No..he's my brother.

Last thing to disappoint you?

Courtney using my brother for her benefit.

Think back to June. Do you remember who you liked?

Michael.

Do you still like that person?

It's not the same as it was then.

Do you care what people think about you?

Not really.

Is it usually easy for someone to make you smile?

Depends on the person and the day I had.

Are your friends just like you?

A good bit.

Spell your name without an A:

Biley.

Do you like hugs?

Not that one-armed bullshit.

What are you listening to?

LOTR 2

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?

Yeah

Do you attend school?

Yuuup

Are you waiting for anyone to text you?

Nah.

Who saw you last cry?

I don't remember the last time I cried.

Last time you were truly upset?

Today

Who was the last boy to text you?

Brenda(n)

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

No.

Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

I love my Brenda

Have you ever received a text message that made you cry?

Yes...

Are you emotionally strong?

for the most part

Are you one of those people who hate crying in front of others?

Yeah, but I will.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay?

NO WAY.

Do you think you'll have the same boyfriend/girlfriend a year from now?

No boy toy right now.

When's the next time you'll see your best friend?

As soon as break's over.

Do you still talk to the same person that you were dating 4 months ago?

No..

What does your last outgoing text say?

"That actually makes me really angry."

Where do you think you will be in two hours from now?

Passed outtt

Does anyone love you?

Yes.

Can you make yourself sneeze?

Nope

Tell me about the last person you kissed?

Eric is prettty good looking.

Is something wrong?

A little bit

Where were you doing at 9 a.m. 

Calling the dentist

Miss any friends?

Just some people

Do you fall for people easily?

No

Everything happens for a reason?

If you say so. Can't find the reason for losing my dad..

Last thing you got in the mail?

Cable bill. YAY.

If you could see anyone right now, who would it be?

My daddy

How has the week been?

It literally is only Monday.

Write something that you wanna say to someone but leave out the name:

I miss you.

Who was the last person that you went out to eat with?

Sarah

Have you ever wanted to be a firefighter?

No

What are you doing right now?

Movie

Do you have anything in your pockets right now?

no pockets

In the past week have you puked?

yes, actually. I've been sick.

In the past 2 weeks, have you gotten your hair cut?

No.

Where are you right now?

couch

Who was your last call from?

My mommmmy

History

I really miss you lately, and it's messing with my head.

I shouldn't miss you....but I do.

For some reason, I keep having random dreams and people keep texting me telling me that they saw you somewhere...

I hope everything is going GREAT for you, and for your wonderful family, whom I also miss terribly. 

You have so much potential, and I hope our mishaps in our 4.5 year long relationship makes your next relationship work out in the end and not have what happened to us, happen again.

just for old times sake

I really do wish you all the best, and I also wish that I could just tell you.

08/10/50-09/01/11

It has been two and a half months since my dad died and I still cannot wrap my head around it...I honestly don't even know what to type or where to begin with how different my entire life is. I can sit in my room and drink a vanilla coke and that reminds me of him (he got me hooked on it). Such small, small things always remind me of him, or a conversation we had, or a time we went and did something. Just the other day I was having a computer problem and he was always the go-to guy for help...I literally picked up my phone and started to search "daddy" in my contacts and it slapped me in the face...he isn't here anymore. I wish I could even being to explain how empty everything feels without him around. He wasn't here for my birthday...even though he got me a birthday card. Thanksgiving is coming up, and I know it's not going to be anywhere near how it should be. 

I know the pain I feel from him being gone will never come close to the pain he endured and fought against as hard as he could, but I can't help but be a little selfish...Why couldn't the dad who abuses their children get taken and I still get to keep mine? Why can't the dad down the street who doesn't attempt to spend time with their kids leave this Earth and my dad, who made sure to be at everything Robert and I were a part of, have to get taken by such an ugly disease? It isn't fair. I know...life isn't fair, but I can't think of anything he did to deserve his fate..He went off to war at 17 years old to serve his country. He beat the 97% odds against him surviving and recovering from getting hepatitis after a blood transfer..

I don't understand, and I'll never understand. I wish I could put how I feel into words so people can know where I'm coming from, but it's a feeling no one will ever understand unless they experience it. I hate hearing my friends talk about their dads...I know that's awful to say, but it makes me miss my dad SO much. I could punch every single person I hear complain about their dad, even someone I've never met before. I wish, so badly, that I could hear my dad speak again...to see him healthy again for 2 seconds, and I never will. 

Robert William Clark I

August 10th, 1950 - September 1st, 2011.

You are the strongest man I will ever know.

And I love you more than I could ever express.